Congratulations to our most recent A-Hole(s) of the Week, Bathroom Defilers!
We have all been in this dire situation before and probably will be again. We roll the dice and eat a gas station burrito. It tastes pretty good going down the hatch. Can’t identify the mystery meat and we are hoping the dark, brown goo is some form of bean. We amplify the flavor explosion with a salsa packet or in a pinch a ketchup packet. Both condiments are from the tomato family so close enough. We walk out of the gas station happy we only dropped a little brown goo on our pants, nobody will notice. We are proud of ourselves for only taking 8 minutes to eat lunch. We only spent $3.50 and we will be full for the rest of the afternoon. Life is good!
Fast-forward three hours or in some cases 30 minutes. It starts with a slight disruption in our midsection. The disruptions become more frequent and more severe. Very quickly an all out, red alarm is going off in our minds. We have less than 30 seconds to get our butts on a porcelain throne.
Maybe we race into the same gas station that we purchased the troublesome burrito. Toilets we would never deem acceptable suddenly look like an oasis. We race to the bathroom, praying to a higher power that the only toilet is not occupied. We burst through the bathroom door and gaze in astonishment at a WW2 bombing of Berlin movie scene. There is feces and/or urine all over the toilet seat, toilet paper everywhere except on the role, and the stall door is busted.
We stop for second and think there is no way we can relieve ourselves amongst the carnage, when we receive the final warning from our partially digested burrito. It’s coming out to see the world ready or not. It will not give two hoots whether we have our pants on our not. In desperation we yank down our pants and hover duce. It’s all we have. There is no other way.
To make matters worse we are in an extremely vulnerable position. The stall door is busted and anyone walking into the bathroom will witness the catastrophe. Things could not get much worse.
Which leads to our A-Hole of the Week, bathroom defilers. Why do individuals take it upon themselves to defile a bathroom? They would never do this at home because they may have to deal with the aftermath. The only persons they are screwing are the next desperate, anonymous, bathroom patrons.
Honestly, who can’t get all of their bodily fluids in the required places? We all have years of practice. Even if a few drops of hazardous waste are mistakenly misplaced who can’t take a few moments to clean up the mess?
If you use up all of the toilet paper, who can’t at least tell the bathroom attendant of the paper shortage? This is just a common courtesy for your fellow man.
What kind of savage overhauls a bathroom door? Don’t we all have bad memories from our school years of having to relieve ourselves without a door in front of our mocking comrades?
Now I am not asking for individuals to wipe off the bathroom sink or tell the bathroom attendant to replace the hand towels. This would be going to far in what to expect from our fellow human beings.
I am just asking for individuals to leave the toilet like they found it and stocked with enough toilet paper for the next guy.
Trust me on this one. There is a special place in hell for bathroom defilers and it is not a nice place. Bathroom defilers please ascend the Thrill Throne of Shame for being complete A-Holes to your fellow man.