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August Dirty Jokes

8/31/15

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says “You’re the biggest man I have ever seen”. The man nods his head, and replies ” I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I’m Turner Brown.?The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, “I said I’m 6 – 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around?

8/28/15

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

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8/27/15

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

8/26/15

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A: A lickalotopis

8/25/15

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

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8/24/15

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?

A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

8/21/15

Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball?
A: They don’t know where home is

8/20/15

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’. The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don’t have any money here’. The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or I’m going to blow your fucking head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’. The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here. This is a sperm bank’. The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off’. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is sperm. Please, I’m not drinking sperm. We don’t have any money here. Please leave’. The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off’. So the woman takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that fucking difficult is it’.
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8/19/15
 
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

8/18/15

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
 
8/17/15
 
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!!”
8/14/15

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

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8/13/15

Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

8/12/15

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

8/11/15

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A: a rip off

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8/10/15

Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live?

A: In the hood.

 

8/7/5

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”

8/6/15

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

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8/5/15

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

8/4/15

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

8/3/15

Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!

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