Hello and Welcome to Bad Advice, column where I, Staci Monroe, do my best not to lose interest in your questions halfway through reading them and start fantasizing about that Burrito I had last night. Damn, that was a good burrito. Anyway, let’s dive right in, shall we?
I have reached middle age and it’s all downhill from here. My wife is encouraging me to get a BMW, so as to focus my mid-life crisis energy and dissuade me from getting more tattoos. While I like BMWs, I also like Mustangs. She does not like Mustangs. Is it true that “Mustangs are for douche bags” and that “Owning a Mustang is a sign that you have a small penis”? Because while I do have a small penis, I do not want to be a douche bag. – Nick, Minneapolis
Nick, Get the Mustang. Yes, while it is a scientifically proven fact that Mustang owners are poorly endowed douche bags, that is not the Mustang’s fault. The Mustang calls to all of us, It’s siren song beckoning us to our watery graves. A stronger man, A man not in the throes of his midlife crisis, would tell his crew to strap him to the mizzen mast and not let him free no matter what he said. “Sail until you reach the beautiful wind swept shores of Retirement Island.” You’d call. The land where you hob nob on golf courses with doctors and lawyers, you all drive BMWs, and you never even think about sleeping with your female caddy. Because that’s the real issue here, isn’t it? Sure, a man can like both a BMW and a Mustang, but for different reasons entirely. To you, a BMW says retirement, old age, the end of the line. While a Mustang screams power, danger and the possibility of getting to sleep with someone else. Your wife isn’t telling you not to get the Mustang because it’s a douche bag car, she’s telling you not to get it because she knows that with it, you’ll have convinced yourself you can get laid. She’s just trying to spare you the embarrassment Nick! Not me though. I say, embrace it. Because the only thing sadder than a middle aged man driving a Mustang to try and score some tail, is a guy sulking behind the wheel of a BMW. Every time you and your wife fight, your argument will always be “None of this would have happened if you let me get the Mustang.” “I wouldn’t have slept with that Barista if I had that dang Mustang.” “I could have saved that man’s life if I had that Mustang!” Spare your poor wife this emotional abuse Nick. I don’t want you having an aneurysm every time you’re at a red light and a Mustang pulls up, top down, girls in bikinis sitting on the back ledge, they aren’t even in the seat Nick, that’s where their feet are! They’re holding a surfboard. You can surf! Their boyfriends are driving, no shirts on, ridiculously muscled and tan. That could be you! Suddenly your rich Corinthian leather seat feels like fire ants against your skin. The high gloss wood panel interior finish looks like a cheap trinket, and your speakers are blaring at you. “You’re too old, you’re too old.” In Dolby digital 5.1 surround sound until the noise is so overwhelming you can’t take it anymore and drive off the nearest cliff into the ocean below. The siren song of the Mustang, Nick. It gets us all in time.
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When is it appropriate to send a dick pic? – Chris, St. Louis
First column and I’m already tackling the greatest philosophical question of our time huh? Okay let’s get into this then. First of all, let’s dispense with the theory that men who send dick pics to women are of a certain social or intellectual class. It’s not true. Across the full spectrum of race, creed, socio-economic background and intellect, men are dying to show you their dicks. Like, DYYIIIING. It doesn’t matter that the cumulative collected female response has been the equivalent of that look your mom gives you when she’s telling you “I’m not mad, just disappointed”, they can’t help themselves. It’s a biological imperative. It is the great unifier. If “Dick Pic” could be a presidential candidate, it would win in a landslide. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Don’t tell me Stephen Hawking hasn’t thought about sending a dick pic because he has! Now, I’m not saying that every guy DOES send a dick pic, I’m saying that they all want to, and the ones who go through with it should have “poor impulse control” tattooed across their forehead so we know what we are in for. Now let me back up a minute and clarify. I am, or course, talking about unsolicited dick pics. Because if it was asked for, you wouldn’t be writing to an advice columnist about this and would instead be posed somewhere like in your old grade school photos, your dick being photographed in front of one of those backdrops with the lasers on them, or maybe with the close up of your dick blown up and ghosted in the corner next to the full version of your dick. Double dick pic! So there is your answer really, if it is unsolicited, it’s a no. There are only two times it would be considered acceptable to send a picture of your dick. 1. It is specifically and explicitly asked for. 2. You are in the middle of sexting and things are getting heated. Now, be careful men! This second time is riddled with landmines! Sending the dick pic could kill the mood or show your hand too early. Women aren’t visually stimulated the same way men are. Despite the best dirty talkers out there, seeing your dick does not, in fact, make our panties wet. Treat the sexting dick pic like escalating warfare. If you haven’t gotten at least a nipple shot from her. DON”T SEND THAT DICK PIC. You don’t drop the nukes just because she sent you a winking emoji okay? Bide your time. In fact, I say, don’t send one at all! How many times do you think this scenario has come up? “Baby, we’ve been having so much fun. I’ve loved talking to you, getting to know you on an emotional level. I find you witty and intelligent, I’m really beginning to feel like you are someone I could go out with, one on one, on a date, and not feel like you are a total creep or will harass me or pressure me for sex the whole time, but you know what? In order for me to be really sure? Ima need to see that D.” One final thought on the subject before I wrap up my inaugural column. Think about what it means to you as well. I know, I get it. Some girl just asked you to send her a shot of your dick. Your ears are ringing and you’ve got a nosebleed. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Take a minute. How well you know this chick, Homie? Cause I am telling you the one hundred percent God’s honest truth. Her girlfriends are gonna see that pic. Can you live with that? Can you live with knowing that all her friends have seen what you’re packing? Can you live with the fact that if you do her wrong she’s going to send it to her girlfriends and be like, “this tiny-dick having son of a bitch thinks he’s all that.” Can you live with the fact that she’s probably gotten a dozen other dick pics just this week and you are DEFINITELY not the biggest? Can you live with the fact that you’ll never be able to run for political office? If the answer to any of these questions is no. DON’T SEND THAT DICK PIC.