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Adventures With Jayde: Bad Luck App

Congratulations to BroMan69420 for winning TTS swag for asking Jayde a question!

As you know Tinder and I are not on good terms. I seem to have the worst bloody luck on this damned app.  I am so busy these days I have no other way to meet Mr. Potential, Future Ex-Husband so I continue my quest of swiping right.

Anyhow, I met another terrible hookup via Tinder a few weeks ago. I was bored and had some spare time before work so decided to meet this guy named Jay in midtown for some White Russians.

adventures with jade photo

We met at this hipster dive in the notoriously flamboyant part of Houston. Jay looked exactly like his photos, minus the llama he was sitting on. He had salt and pepper hair, a tad bit shorter than most guys I date, yet he was aging well. He is 39, but looks like he is in his early 30s. Overall he was extremely cute with slanted blue eyes. At one point of the date I had to ask him what nationality he was and if he was mixed with a little Asian. Mainly because he looked the part very well, but mostly because I wanted to prepare myself for his dick size. Not all Asian guys have tiny dicks, but the mass majority of them do.

Sorry my fellow yellows. #truthhurts

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We sat down, chatted a bit about ourselves and had a few drinks. We hung out for an hour before saying our farewells. I had to get back to work and he had an early meeting. Weeks past before I decided to call him out for another round of drinks. This time I had my friend C with me. I merely wanted his company that night and nothing more, so we ended up calling it a night again.

Which was a shame because later that night I ended up getting super drunk and snorting some blow off the breasts of C’s, Cs in the back seat of my mother’s SUV while dashboard Jesus looked back at us in shame. Could’ve been a crazier night! Or not….

Third times a charm?

I was getting off work again and having a really bad day as I recall so I called C to see what she was up to that evening. I told her I needed a some fun to decompress. She suggested we have a fancy dinner and then perhaps go clubbing.

adventures with jade photo

Dinner was really nice and I threw back three glasses of wine and C threw back two. I paid the tab and we ventured off to the next fancy venue where we ultimately drank a hole into my bank account until last call. We still weren’t ready to go home and I was growing broker by the minute paying for the both of us to get inebriated, so we into full “thirsty bitch mode” hitting up her friends for a place to continue our partying. Well, after her line of guys failed her I called Jay to see what he was up to on this lovely Saturday night.

He picked up with the sleepiest voice, “Hello?”

Drunk and disheveled,  I screamed into the phone, “I am having a bad day and I need to decompress……and by decompress I mean I wanted to screw!”

He chuckled and explained he had guest staying over for the weekend, but C and I were more than welcome to rape his liquor cabinet, and rampage we did. After half a liter of Tito’s Handmade Vodka I was buttered up enough to make bad mistakes I would hope to forget in the morning.

adventures with jade photo

Drunk, obnoxious, and horny as hell I grabbed his hand and dragged him up three flights of stairs into his room. We started making out as I stripped naked–which didn’t take too long as I was wearing a dress without any undergarments. I tried to jump on the bed as sexy as a white girl wasted bitch could and made myself comfortable as he scurried out of his pajamas. He reached for his nightstand for a condom and quickly rushed over to straddle me.

adventures with jade photo

I could’ve sworn centuries past as he struggled to put the condom on. I could’ve made myself and an entire football team a round of drinks by the time he finally got the little bugger on! By the time he had completed this task, I was far beyond wasted to even be into it anymore. I figured “What the heck?! I am already here, why not? Maybe he will ‘blow my mind’ so to speak.”

Moving on, he grabbed my legs and pushed them as far apart as he could before I yelped. “Dude! I am not a damn contortionist! My fat bloody legs do not spread that far!!” Things got really awkward after that. He stuck his little pecker in and started to thrust in and out, then out and in. I just laid there. I felt nothing, and I think he was getting the jist of this so he started swaying left to right and then in circles.

adventures with jade photo

Again, I laid there.

After about 10 minutes of torture I started laughing and couldn’t stop. He stopped and looked down at me with this horrified stupid stare. Jaw slightly open, eyes wide open, confused. I pushed him off of me and jumped off his bed. As I grabbed my dress I yelled behind me “That was about the worst flippin sex I have ever been unfortunate enough to endure. I am leaving dude.”

I slipped back into my dress and headed back down three flights of stairs straight into the kitchen. As I walked in a group of bystanders and C applauded victoriously. I gave a curtsy as I blurted, “Hooray to the worst lay in my life! Now let’s get the fluck outta here C!”

C chugged her Manhattan, slammed the glass on the counter, and giggled a good night. The bystanders were dumbfounded as I made an announcement that their friend was crappy lay. We barely made it out before Jay comes rushing down the stairs.

Poor guy. I bet I made him the focus of all his friend’s joke for the next lifetime. But hey, hopefully he will learn a sex move or two in the near future. Honestly, what confuses me the most is this guy used to be married AND has a kid? How the hell did he ever manage to score that?! Then again, that is probably why he is divorced.

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

BroMan69420: You have bad luck on Tinder. Why do you keep getting on it?

Me: Well I am insane after all. I like doing the same shit over and over hoping for different results. Hopefully my Tinder Prince will come along one day and sweep me off my feet….into his bed…and fuck me into submission. A girl could always dream!

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