Congratulations to Zander for winning TTS swag for asking Jayde a question!
Since relocating back to Houston, TX this past summer I have been whoring around like nobody’s business. If it isn’t one Tinder date failed it is the never ending line of terrible blind dates my mother has been relentlessly setting me up on. I suppose since I will be 28 in less than three weeks my mother is desperate to marry me off to the first rich, fairly mentally stable man she can find. Bloody amazing. Another year and she will be offering a goat, three bags of shillings and her own kitty as some warped form of a dowry.
Anyhow……messing around. Yes, I have been dating myself shameless.
At the beginning of the summer I met this “Man-child” with the going alias “Dick-a-saurs Tex”. I actually dated this particular gent for about three weeks before things went sour. I met “Dick” via Instagram. He liked one of my photos randomly and I stalked his entire IG liking every photo of this slightly grizzly, very handsome Peace Corps volunteer in the midst of his travels.
Normally I do not go for looks or even randomly DM people via IG unless it pertains to collaborations or work, but bloody, holy hell this MF was kitty drenching! I DM “Dick” telling him he was extremely gorgeous and letting him know it was too bad he wasn’t in Houston or……”
Well, the very next morning I actually got a response back from him letting me know he was in fact in Houston at the moment and the photos were remnants of his travels through Israel last year. After a few back and forth responses I sent him my number and invited him out that very night. He was a bit hesitant at first but when I told him it would be a group outing he agreed.
I met my PLP (platonic life partner) S and my third cousin P at this place called Gengi’s and already started in on a few rounds of sake before this awe stunning beast walks through the door with this huge pearly white smile, perfectly trimmed beard, and snapped down flannel shirt. I could’ve sworn my kitty purred and gushed all over my pantie at that precise moment.
I ushered him over to the bar and introduced him to everyone. We ordered a few more rounds as I sat there staring at him and his beard the entire time. This was all strange to me for two reasons:
1) He is a year younger than I am.
2) I hadn’t realized I was into the hipster, beard growing/toting pandemic until I met his neatly trimmed, sandalwood perfumed, soul shuttering beard.
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Anyone who knows me well enough knows I have both mommy/daddy issues and since I cannot control this portion of my life I tend to drown my sorrows in hooking up with men way too old and women far too young–but legal for my own good. So when I found myself sitting next to this bearded man far beyond my emotional maturity and far younger than my Tinder default age range. I was very confused….and drunk.
As the night grew old, we, my PLP and new fun toy. I had determined that after the first five minutes of meeting him. After he told me he was a former Boy Scout/Altar Boy who is an avid Lego’s collector, I planned to screw this dude into corruption. We bounced from bar to club to bar to club to drunkenness. The entire night became a total blur of shots galore, buying strangers drinks, dancing to really terrible ‘80s music, and smoking pot at one point.
After the bars started to close and “last call” was made, we headed to a late night eatery where we tried to sober up. Ergo, tried. I was still quite smashed when Dick drove about 30 miles or so home. Since he lived on literally the other side of Houston, I did the forbidden and invited him to stay the night–with my parent’s home, with them sleeping right beneath my room. He obliged.
I snuck him in and up to my room stumbling drunkenly over practically everything in sight causing a ruckus of noise, yet my parents slept soundly. The moment I shut the door it was game over. I threw him violently onto my virgin bed. I started ripping off my clothes whilst making out with him. Needless to say the snaps on his flannel worked perfectly in my debaucherous plan to rape and corrupt him.
When we finally got in position to fornicate he pulled away saying something about really liking me and wanting to wait. SMH. In my 27 years of straight hookups I have never been turned down for sex. I kept at it for the better of an hour before growing increasingly frustrated saying stupid shit like, “Just the tip. PLEEAASE! Just the mother flipping tip!!!” And…..just the tip is all I got before passing out drunk.
In the morning I was awoken by hard knocks on my room door by Mother alerting me it was time to go to work at the nail salon. I quickly got dressed and kissed Dick goodbye letting him know no one will be home once I leave so he is safe to sneak out the way he got in.
Once I got to the salon I texted him letting him know I left a pair of my black laced pantie on the foot of my bed and demanded he leave me a gift of jizz all over them before making his escape. Since he didn’t get me off that night I needed some spank bank material.
When I returned home after a long day of scrubbing shit off people’s nasty ass feet I walked up to my room and found a tiny surprise at the foot of my freshly made bed still wet with his bleach scented baby batter….. Lovely way to end my work day! : )
Too bad we never worked out in the end, but I could say we remained good friends till this day, and the fact that he ate kitty like a champ really made those three weeks well worth it!
Jayde Onyx Lei
Zander: Why didn’t things work out between the two of you if he ate kitty so well?
Me: Well, two reasons : A) I am emotionally retarded. B) He was far too much if a “Good Boy” to handle my wild ways. I am who I am and I refuse to change in light of anyone.