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Not a pity party just read…..
I am not for one second wanting you to think awe poor girl, so if you do stop. I am simply doing something I am passionate about and that is writing. It just so happens that writing is the best way for me to deal with things and to clear my mind. By the time I’m done writing, I will have solved the problem that is weighing heavy on my heart or written it out of my life.
I often forget that my looks are something that people see as a threat or a conquest. When men look at me, they think I am a challenge. What man doesn’t love a good chase? I should be well aware of this by now. I am just a hopeless romantic with a heart that bleeds like everyone else. I am however, really saddened by the way my last relationship turned out. I should’ve known from the start he was just seeking the challenge, but for some reason it still bothers me.
Life is a beautiful thing. Stop and smell the opportunity …
I can’t tell you how many relationships I have been in cause they were all worthless, except for one, Scott. Every one of them used me for personal gain and then they ended because I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. The last one was pretty much lust, but at least it was mutual. It was more then any other relationship. I just don’t have much to say about him. He was a man whore. Come to find out later he was just another sex addict. He got into my head that’s the only difference. I can’t believe I have been with such losers and that I was willing to change my life around for lust, YIKES!
At the end of the day he was the hardest to figure out, but once I did it was sickening. I feel bad for him. I think that’s what makes me understand myself better. I feel bad for someone and want to make them feel loved. I end up investing so much time and effort only to find out they are dirt. Here is where it gets interesting…..
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As a child I was told every day that I looked like a whore and I was ugly. Jokingly or not that sticks in the brain. I know my father was kidding when he told me I was ugly, because I look identical to him. I know my mother meant well by telling me I looked like a whore. She simply wanted me to take my makeup off. These comments are valid now, but growing up I just didn’t have the best self confidence and thought I was ugly and looked like a whore.
In all reality I was a beautiful, innocent child with rough parenting that lead me down a very lonely road. I am okay being alone, single, and pretty much a loner. Ask anybody I went to school with, I was not clickie. I did not have much of a social life. I just remember moving out of my home at 15 because I no longer wanted to be abused physically or mentally.
My mother is what makes me thrive. I thrive to be anything, but her. She was money hungry and stayed with people because of what she could get out of them. Money and security. I am my mother’s opposite. I would rather work, struggle, loose sleep, and even drop out of school to make it on my own. All these problems are way better than giving credit to someone else for my success.
I can honestly say that I thank my lucky stars every day for the heartache I went through growing up because it truly does make it harder to ache now. I am just searching for everything I didn’t get as a child. Love, feeling needed, admired, and WANTED!
So the moral of this story is to keep my head up and remember I am doing better then most. I am just a lot lonelier then I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I need to wake up every day grateful for the life I have created for myself by myself. Not just anybody deserves to be apart of my life. It took me so long to get here. Why let someone sway me so fast? I am a beautiful human being from the inside out and that is fair. I need to walk on the cautious side of the line.