Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? A: In the hood.
Q: What do you call a vagina on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
Why can’t blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
My dad helping me find a gf:
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady …” He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”
I told my crush at school, “If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow.” The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong. Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…?
A: “Is it in?”
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, it’s best you do them in your head.
Q: What’s a adult actress’ favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?” Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, stop fuckin doin it then, ya evil bastard!”
A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says, “come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.” So the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, “I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.” So the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, “I don’t know, I think that she started choking.”
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck…..“
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
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