Ask any woman what it feels like when, after heaving and sucking their stomach in, they walk out of the department store change room, turn to face the poorly lit mirror and realize that they look absolutely amazing in the pair of jeans they’re trying on.
In fact, finding the perfect fit is not just a mood booster for many women, it becomes a life-long quest through a challenging gauntlet of cuts, rises, tint and texture.
We try on pair after pair to find the holy grail. We lie down on change room the floor to pull up a stove pipe. It makes us hate the fact that we are so goddamned dependent on solid food because our “filthy” eating habit is getting between us and our ability to wear skinny jeans without feeling like we’re cutting off our circulation from the hip – down. We’ll endlessly twirl and whirl in front of that mirror in our boot cut, praying to the gods that they don’t make us look like a Volvo driving soccer mum from the back. Image credit: savvybroad.com
We’ll scrutinize every angle, every feature and every little stitch. Hey, no one said jeans shopping was easy and if they did they’re probably have a contract with Ford Models and complain that they “can never find they’re size because the designer doesn’t make jeans that small…” But when you do find the right fit…..oh, boy. It’s like Christmas and your birthday has came at once. It’s like a never-ending orgasm, coupled with Prozac and an endless supply of jelly beans. It mimics the exact same feeling you get when you find the perfect guy. Yet somehow, shopping for the mans becomes all the more harder, despite the fact that sports bars are crawling with them. Hell, you can swing a cat and hit a whole bunch of them on the way to Arby’s for lunch. But women struggle finding the perfect match just in the same way we struggle finding the perfect fit. So, I propose we employ our knowledge that has been honed during our many jean shopping experiences and apply that to finding the perfect mate. So, in that vein, here is a list of men as jeans.
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THE SKINNY LEG This chap is quite the challenge. Lord knows how hard you try to get him on and that’s only half the effort required when compared to actually getting him off. Favored among the fashion elite, models and anyone who’s into food blending, this tight and taught specimen can make you look and feel fabulous. Though, avoid if you have a serious case of insecurity. With this make, all your flaws and scars will be out in public for the world to see. THE BOYFRIEND JEAN
Reliable and dependent, the boyfriend is your go to comfort slack that can look fashionable if paired with the right accessories (or woman). Problem is, being the distant cousin of the slouch, the boyfriend may be a little too relaxed which can lead to complacency which can be a real relationship killer. However, if you manage to keep him on your (peep) toes, this make can be a real winner. RIPPED Well, we can all dream, can’t we? HIGH-WAISTED This is the type that makes you think you’re on cloud nine because, initially, they do so much for you. Then, lo, you leave the comforts of the rose-tinted glasses phase and realize this cut makes you look like Kim Kardashian wedged in a pork lattice pie. What went wrong? Darling, the man is high and “waisted”. The only way this could work is that you were also as high and “waisted” as he was but then you’ve got a whole set of co-dependency issues to deal with. Leave this guy for the fun times. He isn’t of “perfect mate” material. FLARED Now there’s a relationship that will probably last less than this season’s trends. CLASSIC Much like a crisp Calvin Klein button up, or the silver screen, the classic is something with true staying power. He’s understated, without pretense and knows where his place is – around your waist. Classics, whether slightly faded or slightly put through the wringer, will last through all the experimental phases and the crazy fads. Dependable even on your worst day, this jean, or man, can be the perfect make. It’s up to you how you’ll treat them, though.