Oh, sex. How we love thee. Here, let us count the ways.
In, out, reverso-change-o (sometimes that helps), back to front, around and all the way down…
It’s almost impossible to believe that something so fun is good for you, too. But experts have long toted the benefits of giving the old dog a bone.
Nonetheless, while (consensual) sex is akin to the feeling of a first-class ticket to Vegas, while you’re crapping bars of gold, on Prozac, there are just some things you don’t do. That is, people you don’t do.
There’s the obvious list – your boss, your roommate, your relative, Donald Trump – but the proverbial buck (‘scuse the pun) doesn’t stop there.
Here is a list of six folks you should absolutely, under no circumstances, ever sleep with. No matter how much you’re champing at the bite or how willing they are to accommodate you.
ONE: PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ BOOKS
John Waters, that pencil pornstache guy who rose to fame in the seventies, should be known for more than Hairspray and Pink Flamingo.
The famed actor/filmmaker coined the phrase: “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!”
And I couldn’t agree more.
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When you’re done with the nasty you’re going to have to talk and what are you going to talk about with a person who doesn’t read more than the ingredients on their cereal box.
Come on, you’d get more engaging conversation from your vibrator and/or blow up doll.
Leave these folks to dwell where they belong – in the shallow end of the kiddie pool.
TWO: A KENNEDY
You don’t need to be Marilyn Monroe to know that this would be a bad idea.
Best case scenario, you’d end up being the mistress in a long line of mistresses.
Worst case scenario, you’d end up dying due to an alleged “overdose” of barbiturates, as you call your lover to attempt to save you from the men in black. Apparently, the Kennedys had a bit of a mouth on them and liked to reveal matters of the state to their bedroom conquests.
And definitely don’t do a Marilyn and double dip into the gene pool. Imagine comparing the moves of one, over the other. Shudder.
No, no. Get thee out of their bed and into a cab stat.
THREE: A BOBBITT
This is a slightly self-explanatory one, unless you’re into that stuff.
In 1993 the Bobbitts made headlines after wife, Lorena, cut off her husband, John’s, penis.
His crime? Sexual and emotional abuse, infidelity and rape – making him no prize.
The list of allegations against John Bobbitt also included being a selfish lover.
“He always have orgasm [sic], and he doesn’t wait for me to have orgasm. He’s selfish,” Lorena once told police.
The penis was returned to its “rightful” owner and, after surgery, John went on to star in two adult films. One was titled “Uncut.”
Lorena, was found not guilty.
You can uncross your legs now.
FOUR: THIS GUY
FIVE: KIM JONG-UN
Sure, that sexy middle part and all the cage-rattling may appeal to some but standing this guy up after a casual swipe on Tinder could cost you more than your dating reputation.
Just look at what happens when little Kim becomes displeased with a relative:
Add to Thaek’s supposed brutal end, Jong-un ordered that images of his uncle be edited out of documentaries and photographs. Ouch.
For these reasons and many more, should you see Jong-un on Tinder, for the love of God, swipe left. SWIPE LEFT!
SIX: KANYE WEST
Sorry, Kim, but this guy is two gaffs away from jumping up on a sofa and publicly announcing he’s in love.
Well, more specifically, that he’ll run for president in 2020.
Add to his recent spectacle, it seems Kanye is a tight-ass lover.
Reports have stipulated that Kim needs to beg her “candidate” of a husband to sleep with her.
Come on, “President” West! Getting willing partners to have sex with you is already hard enough. Now you’re going to hold out on Kim?
Kardashian, do yourself a favor, honey, and abort mission.
So, kids, should you be tempted to ever get a leg over this lot, I strongly urge you to go home and have several cold showers.
Better still, book a therapy session to discover what it is about these people that make you hot under the collar. There’s definitely something going on there.