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My Heart Bleeds …
I can honestly say that I am going to make some wiser decisions in 2016. I have opened my heart and my world to the idea of a love that will love without reservation and passion that will never stop taking my breath away.
I had two interesting relationships this year. One came with lots of baggage and I fell head over heels. It was most interesting and best six months of my life. He never did wrong in my eyes. Everywhere we went we were loved and adored. He was my best friend and the best lover I ever had. He just kinda lost himself, and tarnished our relationship in the process.
I met someone on the internet in December of 2014 and finally called him up and asked him to hit up the gym with me. He gladly accepted. I vented to him about how miserable I was loving someone that didn’t love me back. He was in the same situation. So we decided to be each other’s distractions from our unsatisfactory relationships. It worked for a while, a little to well. We both knew that we didn’t want anything serious. He was not into dating girls in my line of work nor was I wanting anything serious. So we were comfort buddies with no strings attached, just a passionate friendship. Well it didn’t take long for that to blossom into something we knew should’ve never happened.
I can honestly say that he had me fooled that he accepted me and what I do for a living. There was a lot of emotional damage. I am not sure if I brought out the bad in him or if he was naturally that possessive and abusive. I can also be a bit hard to deal with as I am a very independent, strong-willed woman that does not let anyone tell me what to do. I am
more responsive to suggestions, verses someone trying to dictate my every action. This does not set well with over bearing control freaks. My job is the main factor I know.
I could never date a man in the industry. It would make me a wreck. This not only made him a wreck, but brought out the abusive side of him. I agree that he had to have been an abusive person before we meet. People don’t start this behavior 35 years into their life. It was there all along.
I love a strong willed, confident, alfa male, that is not threatened by a strong, independent, woman. Confidence is the biggest turn on ever. In the beginning he was all that and more. As time went on and feelings got involved, it was hard to say either one of us were happy. I gave him no reason to think I had eyes for anyone, but him. I guess my way of life was just tearing him up inside bringing out the green eyed monster to its fullest. I could’ve never accepted the jealousy he demonstrated and the things he cooked up in his mind.
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With all that we went thru and experienced together I had no idea what to think, feel or if it was just a bad dream. All I knew is that I missed him and had no idea why. I still to this day. I am not exactly sure why things got as crazy as they did, but one thing is for sure I have never had a break up like this before.
I do not have one enemy nor do I have ill will towards anyone. All of my ex’s have remained friends and always will be. This relationship I thought was going to be my first. This weighed heavy on my heart, so I decided to text him a picture. We texted a few nasty words back and forth and ended up deciding that we wanted one more night together for closure.
Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I was willing to take the chance. We agreed no talking about the past, no attitudes, and no arguing. One final good bye. It was the most heart felt and emotional goodbye I have ever had. I can honestly say I truly love that man and wished things would have worked out. We just were not meant to be. I can say that the tears that fell from my face are filled with a bunch of different emotions. Sure I am sad to see him go, but I happy he is on his way to finding the one he is meant to spend the rest of his life.
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I can’t tell you how many times I fought with him. I only remember the good and that is what hurts the most. We laughed so much together. I was able to be myself around him. In a perfect world he was honestly the one I let get away. I can’t hold on to something that just was not meant to be for selfish reasons. He would’ve stayed, but in the end we both agreed that it needed to end. When they say you never know what you got until its gone, works the same for feelings. I never knew how much he truly meant to me and how in love with him I was until he was gone.
When people ask me how to get into the adult entertainment industry, I tell them you have got to be willing to give up your life. So think long and hard about your decision. If you don’t mind being single, lonely, and hated every day of your life, then go for it. Have your goals, never loose site of them, and have an escape plan. Because you can’t do it forever. If you can honestly say that you are willing to do these things then go for it.
I would probably have chosen a different path, but I was handed some pretty terrible cards in life. Instead of looking at them as a flop hand, I chose to keep the poker face of a lifetime and win the jackpot. I’m making the best of my life considering the hand I was dealt. One day I’ll find my happily ever after. Until then I am grateful to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all!
The tears that flow down my face are filled with love, lost love, hopefulness, peacefulness, loneliness, joy, and hurt. I just do not know how to describe the fact that I am at peace with a broken heart. I feel like letting someone walk away with my heart to make his beat for another, is love. Others might call it smart.