Sex is like math: Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Little Peter asks his father one day, “Daddy, how was I born?”
His father replies, “Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said – You’ve Got Male.”
Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air”.
The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, I just burped.”
Congratulations TanglingTumbleweeds! You won an Inspector 69 sticker, Original Society Member sticker, and a TTS t-shirt!
Q: What do u call hooker that likes it in her ass?
A: a crack whore
Congratulations Tigress! You won an Inspector 69 sticker, Original Society Member sticker, and a TTS t-shirt!
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
Congratulations SweatyMerle! You won Inspector 69 and Original Society Member stickers!
Cinderella was having her period and couldn’t go to the ball. Her fairy godmother magically appeared and asked Cinderella what her wish would be. “Well, I’d like a tampon.” replied Cinderella. So her fairy godmother gave her a tampon, but warned her that if she stayed out later than 12:00, her tampon would turn into a pumpkin. The next day her fairy godmother came back to see how Cinderella’s night was. “Cinderella, did you come back before 12:00?” asked her fairy godmother. “No.” said Cinderella, “But thats ok, because the Prince was Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater.”
Congratulations SortaSorry! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.
Congratulations CornyTodd! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?
Congratulations 34_Ted! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”
Congratulations SunnyDays! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Congratulations Stoner45! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Congratulations Moser! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Samwise slouched on Mt Doom shouts”YOUR HURTING ME FRODO!!!”
Frodo:”You told me to destroy the ring”
Congratulations Norby6! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”
Congratulations Swartie! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Rachel goes into a chemist and asks to see the pharmacist.
“How can I help you, madam?” he says.
“I need some arsenic, please,” Rachel replies.
“And what, may I ask, are you needing arsenic for?” the pharmacist says.
“I want to kill my husband.”
“Surely you know,” says the pharmacist, “that I can’t sell you any for such a use.”
Rachel gives him a photo of a naked man and naked woman clearly having sex.
Rachel says, “The man is my husband and the woman is, as I’m sure you have recognised, your wife.”
The pharmacist looks at the photo intently and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription. I’ll go get you some arsenic.”
Congratulations 45Bob! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, “Nice bike. How much?” The first said , “It was free.” The first asked, “Wow, how did you get it for free?” The one with the bike said,” Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted.” The other engineer said, “Good move! Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”
Congratulations RogerRabbit! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
“No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
Congratulations Dooby6! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
Congratulations Janesays! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent
Congratulations steveB! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
Congratulations steveB! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Congratulations 67Turn67! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand.
Congratulations BustaTyme69! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Congratulations Putzz6! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t hurt me, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t hurt you, and no legs so I won’t run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Bob replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Congratulations SomeOne2! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
A young boy goes up to father and asks, “What is the difference between theory and reality?” Dad answers, “Go to your mother and sister and ask them if they would have sex with a stranger for 1 million dollars.” The young boy asks his mother and sister the same question and reports back to his father, “Both mother and my sister would have sex with a stranger for 1 million dollars!” Dad replies, “Well there you have it son, in theory our family is worth 2 million dollars, in reality we live with two fucking whores!”
Congratulations Tule23! You won an Inspector 69 and Original Member Stickers!
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If your joke gets published you will receive the Don’t Be A-Hole sticker, the coveted TTS Original Society Member sticker, and TTS logo t-shirt!