Saturday , February 23 2019
Inhale, Exhale..... Breakfast of Champions
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Vol. 2 – Breakfast of Champions

(Author’s dire warning: This post may confuse the hell out of you if you are one of the millions of lucky bastards who don’t have young children.

Perhaps worse, you’re one of those goodie-goodie bang bangs who don’t let their kids watch TV, cartoons or irrelevant silver screen dribble over and over until their little minds are completely and uncompromisingly assimilated into the hive.

Kids ruin lives.... really they do!!
Kids ruin lives…. really they do!!

Fuck you and Nickelodeon! (how did you end up on this goddamn website anyway?)

You’ll remember from Vol. 1 that I am, in fact, a LAZY BITCH… Harken back to the dusty blinds and mad Soda Crush skills?? Well…

Top definition of Lazy Bitch, according to Urban Dictionary™:

Basically when your bitch is laying around doing nothing and dinner isn’t even ready and the house isn’t cleaned yet.

“I feel so bad for Tom, he married a real lazy bitch”

Dammit, Metaphorical Tom….. Maybe YOU should clean the beautiful fucking wood-slat blinds if you want a metaphorical piece of ass now and then. Or maybe make her breakfast before she goes to work.

After all, in America these days it is about 212% more likely that SHE is the breadwinner in your household, you good-for-nothing piece of shit, sitting at home doing nothing, dreaming about the money you’ll never have and your stupid, amateur shibari ropes. You’re causing me to dream of a world full of hot naked people that you, Metaphorical Tom, do not exist in. (No actual Toms associated with TTS were harmed in the making of this rant.)

Sandwich in every beer
Sandwich in every beer

Speaking of breakfast, I feel like eating breakfast might be a good thing for me but it’s, like, work to get that task done. Really. I should hire a man-maid for that task. No, not a butler, I want a man-maid, complete with short, frilly skirt, apron and cap. All in black silk and feather duster. And not too hairy, please. I like a hairless, man-servant, I don’t want curly chest hair in my fresh, crisp Wheaties.

Well great, now I’m feeling wistful about the breakfast I never eat. Does anyone else, like, NEVER eat breakfast? Aside from the occasional weekend splurge? I’ve begun to worry too much about it actually, which makes me really nervous. Why can’t I just let it go?

Which reminds me…. How and why it reminds me? Who knows, I’m too lazy to really parse it down like that to be honest.

Anyway….. back to why I brought up TV and shithead do-gooders that don’t let their kids watch it…

There is this juggernaut movie called Frozen, its really just wintertime Snow White with trolls instead of dwarves. If you say you haven’t seen it, you’re a lying bugger monkey; everyone in the world has seen this crapper.

Never trust a rock..........troll
Never trust a rock……….troll

I wonder why no one blamed the fucking rock trolls for all this whole damn Frozen mess. Lie to the whole town; lie to your sister. What? Does that make sense? Is this a kid’s movie or some kind subconscious subversive propaganda? I feel like North Korea might be involved. Who really thinks lying about a problem is really going to fix it? What kind of advice IS that? Jesus, this whole fucked-up pixelated soap opera could’ve been averted had the damn trolls remained rocks. Forever.
In know, I know, if not for the damn lies and villains there would be no story. It’d be like Gilligan’s Island without the Professor (um, sort of). Couldn’t we just make a kid’s show without the overarching dramatization of moral storytelling? For the first time in forever. Please, you strife-loving Disney bastards. Some things AREN’T worth melting for, K?

Ok, listen, all I’m asking is for you to just think about the lingering effects of negative allegory in pursuit of positive purpose on your little angels’ brains for a minute while you’re on the couch tonight with a Busch and two $10 scratch-off tickets you can’t afford (you charged it) and wondering why you and everyone you know are actually just exactly like THAT Rob Lowe, despite the fact that you already pay $120 a month for DirecTV. Listen, you’re just a normal Joe. Believe it. And while I’m on the subject, music recommendations: anything by Listener (ok not the first album). And as an alternative to kitschy Disney bullshit: Adventure Time, the best cartoon on television, I wouldn’t lie (it’s on Cartoon Network, yo).

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