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Why Whiskey Is Like American Foreign Policy

Chin chin, you Jan Kees, Johnnys, good ol’ boys and Aunt Jemimas. Being an American, with your loud and proud swagger, ability to tote a few guns and endless bounds of patriotism, can be pretty sweet. Just as sweet as the sharp and fragrant notes of a decadent whiskey.

The similarities don’t stop at character alone. Your foreign policy can be just as brassy, loud and gun-totingly nationalistic as a barrel full of fine rye.

So raise your glasses in the air and celebrate the reasons why your whiskey-driven alcoholism is exactly like your attitude to international affairs.

1) You’re at every party…even when others wish you weren’t.

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 Like the spike in a prom night’s punch bowl, American defense forces, their allied conglomerates and a procession of aid organizations are more often then not present in international conflict.

Your reckoning for being the dill in every broth is due to the positioning of the United States in the post-WWII era. As the undisputed hegemon, America became the watch dog of the world with a responsibility to protect the delicate fabric of world peace.

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However, much like the time uncle Rudie passed out drunk at your Grandma’s wake, this can place you in situations where you not only aggravate the conflict but further create insecurities.

Just ask Iraq.

On the flip side, when you’re not present, inaction can have dire and fatal consequences (Rwanda anyone?).

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For those that don’t believe a lack of whiskey could have dire and fatal consequences, I implore you to visit a bar after its been drunk dry….

 

2) Y’all came late to the party and now you can dominate the market.

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This is certainly not a dig at the personal sacrifice made by those who engaged in the scourge of WW1, rather praise to the tactical maneuvering of American economists and political advisors.

By staving off engagement, America was able to secure a boom through ramping up their economic war effort, the manufacturing/purchasing of U.S goods, along with reaping the rewards of obtaining a flush of gold through state-on-state credit.

 

And the good folks at Maker’s Mark and Jim Beam managed to do the same.

While the Scots brewed and perfected their batches of whisky (yes, Yankees even spell it differently) for centuries, you guys managed to perfect the craft in 300 years and race up the beverage ladder.

Up until the acquisition of Beam Inc. by Suntory, the mega-mixer managed to dominate 10 per cent of the market.

You clever clogs, you.

3) You bend the rules to suit your own interest

It wouldn’t be international relations if at least one mention of interest wasn’t included. Yes, you Yanks are known to predominantly maneuver through state-on-state relations by asking yourselves “what do I get out of this?”

Most of the time, the formula you created for international peace and security will be bent to suit the domestic interests of the U.S of A, along with your post-intervention activity which is based on the “structural adjustment” of a state. That is, create a little America in a region which may or may not be able to maintain such free and democratic standards.

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Where does whiskey come in to play? The darned use of corn, that’s how.

By giving whiskey a twist, mulching cobs instead of grains, you were able to capitalise on the harvesting of corn, while bending the rules and economically benefiting from a deviation of the tried and true recipe.

4) Too much of it can cause a serious headache.

 

This one is a little self-explanatory. Too much whiskey will have you screaming for the aspirin. Too much intervention will have your head exploding as you shake your fist at the moon and pledge allegiance to the Axis.

 

The moral of the story? All, whiskey and war, should be conducted in moderation.

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3 comments

  1. Really like this article. As an American I forget to think about how the rest of the world views American foreign policy.

  2. Very insightful! A fresh look at American foreign policy. Thank you Milly!

  3. Very interesting article. I really the the arguement. Well done Mllly!

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