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Wondering Mind Of Eva: Lost For Words

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This is Lola. She went missing on 12/1/2010

I personally like to think of myself as a positive person. Optimism is a life style on its own.

I just recently found out that the man I considered a friend and a life partner did in fact terminate my dog’s existance. How? I am not quit sure. I don’t even want to think about it. What I do not get is how someone could cause you so much pain and still look you in your face and have no conscience about it? What kind of a sick individual does that to a helpless animal? How do I always end up picking out all of the absolute wrong types of people?

I personally have never been attracted to anyone I have been in an intimate relationship with for any length of time.  I just like to think of them as having a big beautiful heart. I thought that attractive people were the ones with the issues and I should just look for the inner beauty. WRONG….

I have never thought that I would make a mistake or regret anything in my past. Until ex-the-killer. I can’t believe I stayed with someone that was a horrible lover and the world’s worst kisser. I would honestly just lay there and stair at the ceiling and think about my day while being intimate. Thank god it only took about a minute. Why would I even do that to myself? I am always settling for less than what I deserve. That my friends truly sickens me to the core.

I honestly have to learn how to live again.

He just sat by watching me go thru all of this pain. I do not wish any ill will towards him because I know life will make an example out of him soon enough. I will not hold any hatred in my heart because that is only letting him win. What I will do is forgive and try to forget. It sucks how all the good things in life so easily  slip out of our memories. The bad things in life tend to linger and stay fresh on the mind.


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I decide to try dating again this year and what happens? I fall head over heels for the worst person ever. Ex-the-user played me so well. He had so much baggage, so many secrets, and used the ever living daylights out of me for whatever he wanted. When I realized that he was all about himself and my money it was already too late in the game. I had so much invested and couldn’t even tell how I had gotten myself caught up with such a slime bag. He not only had insecurity issues, but he had a small penis. He has a horrible gambling addiction that got him fired from his place of employment for gambling the bar’s money. The owner of the bar had the balls to ask me for the money instead of reporting it to the police. Now he is working in another bar probably doing the same thing. Oh well, I am just glad to be rid of low life people like him.

“There is a special place in hell for people like this!”

I think that I know what the lesson here is…..

I need to learn how to love myself enough to be able to love another and still keep myself number one. If that makes any sense? I tend to be in a good place in life, then think why not try to figure out this loneliness??? Hahahah.. I do not think I will be trying or looking for a very long time. The situations I get myself into because I am so giving and loyal is pretty freaking ridiculous .

Are there any men in the world that aren’t freaking big babies and know how to pick up after themselves? I always get these men that are self sufficient and then I spoil them. I like to help. Then they tend to rely on that and expect it all the time. This makes life that much harder for me. Can I not do something nice every now and then to show I care? Could they not expect to be waited on hand and foot? Is it so hard to put the groceries away or take the clothes out of the dryer? If I am busy can whatever it is not wait?

So freaking lost for words these days. Just lucky to have my bestie Richelle Ryan by my side. Richelle is there for me no matter what happens. Often times she does not approve of what I am doing, but she will be there for me regardless of the outcome. It is people like her that keep this world somewhat sane for me! Thank you Richelle for being the friend that treats me as well as I treat her! My loyalty will never die for you! I love you like the sister I never had!

wondering mind of eva photo

Richelle Ryan and I out on the town.

Always and 4 Eva Notty xoxoxo

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Thrill Girl Eva Notty

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